Gardenias and Lavender

The flannel shirt that he left behind still sat in his chair in the corner of the room. That shirt was her favorite; it was cotton and had purple and blue stripes on it. He had given it to her after they had been dating for two months. She slept in it almost every night after that.

It had been a year since he had given the shirt to her and only five months since he had left her, the shirt, and everything else behind. He tried to explain that it was because he needed space to be his own person.

“I love you, you know I love you. But…I feel like if we just go ahead and get married like everyone is expecting us to, we’ll both regret it later.” His robotic voice only confirmed her fear that it was recited, he had been thinking about this for a long time.

“Obviously, there’s nothing I can do to convince you otherwise.” She left his side and went and sat in the chair. The flannel shirt was laying in it, so she picked it up and held it to her chest. She looked at the floor the entire time while he packed his things.

Neither one said a thing as he took his time putting shirts, pants, and socks into his suitcase. She had so many things swimming on her tongue, so many things that she wanted to scream at him. He was throwing away every poem that she had written about him, all the kisses they had shared, all the reassurance they gave each other that the other was worth something. And the worst part was that he didn’t even seem to care. She had never seen him that calm as he zipped up the suitcase, kissed her on the forehead one last time, and then walked out the front door. She laid in bed that night with all the pillows piled up beside her. She couldn’t bear the thought of rolling over to his side of the bed and feeling an empty space. It comforted her so much that she kept doing it – it was like he had never left. Of course, the pillows didn’t smell like his cologne and they didn’t have the sharp stubble of his beard to scratch against her ear, but they were soft and warm. That was at least enough to help her forget for a little while.

She woke up when the sun danced across her eyelids. She leaned back against her cluster of pillows and stretched her exhausted limbs. Her crazy hair splayed itself across her white pillowcases; she hadn’t washed it in days. Her house reflected the same attitude; dishes were constantly piled up in the sink, there were loads of dirty clothes that lined her laundry room floor, and the only food that was in her fridge was spoiled leftovers in various Styrofoam containers.

She got out of bed and rubbed her face. After walking to the kitchen, she reached into the cupboard and pulled out her container of instant coffee. He drank a lot more coffee than she did, so when he left there wasn’t any reason for her to use the coffeepot anymore. She heated up a cup of water in the microwave then went to use the bathroom. She came back just as the microwave was beeping and pulled the cup out. The smoke trailed up in wispy curls as she spooned in three spoonfuls of coffee. It tasted like shit, but she drank it anyway. She finished it off and then went to jump in the shower; the water was hot, hot enough so that it numbed her skin after a little while. She finally washed her hair, filling the entire bathroom with the scent of her lavender shampoo. He always liked the smell of her shampoo. She remembered how he used to watch her while she brushed it out, interrupting her periodically to kiss the back of her head. How could that be something that he would ever tire of doing?

She got out of the shower and then finished getting ready. There was nothing that she had planned to do today. She worked from home as an editor and even though she had a pending deadline, she had mastered the ability to ignore it. The worse they could do is fire her. Putting on the flannel shirt was the only routine that she cared about keeping. She put it on over her T-shirt and then went to sit in front of her couch. The TV channels were just a mirage of colors as she flipped through them. She usually liked to watch this interior design show for old vintage houses, but it wasn’t on today. She finally settled on a soap opera; it was an old one from the 80s.

She was about to give up paying attention and try to take a nap when she heard a knock at her door. She went to answer it and saw her friend, Dahlia, standing there with a warm smile made of burgundy lips.

“I figured that by now you would have arisen.” Dahlia smirked as she walked into the house.

“Well it isn’t like there was anything super important to do today.” She closed the door as Dahlia walked into the kitchen to inspect.

“Amy, seriously, when is the last time that you washed any dishes?” Dahlia had this way of speaking that almost felt maternal yet condescending.

“I don’t know, probably a week ago,” Amy replied.

“No, a week ago, I washed them for you.” Dahlia laughed as she put down her purse and phone and grabbed the dish soap.

“And you did a damn good job.” Amy smiled at Dahlia, she seemed to be the only person left that could make her do that.

She watched as Dahlia steadily worked her way through the mountain of bowls, plates, and silverware. Dahlia talked the entire time about the drama with her sisters and how work was going at the boutique. Soon the last spoon had been rinsed and dried, Dahlia turned to her.

“So now what do you wanna do?” she asked Amy.

“I figured you had the idea since you came over.”

“Of course, you rely on me for that, how the hell would you ever meet anyone without me?” Dahlia said it in a joking manner, but immediately winced after she said it.

Dahlia was the reason that they had met. He had come into Dahlia’s boutique looking for a present for his mother and after a long conversation at the check-out counter, she decided that he was perfect for her friend. They went on a date that weekend. Amy never blamed Dahlia for any of what happened, but that didn’t stop Dahlia from constantly trying to undo her mistake. Truthfully, Amy was just happy for the companionship.

“You know I was thinking that we could just spend the day together, I took the day off. I got a bonus on my paycheck and there’s this Italian restaurant that I’ve really been wanting to try.”

“You know I hate Italian food.” Amy replied.

“Bullshit, you used to out-eat me in Fettuccini Alfredo. Come on, it’ll be fun. We can go to the park before we have lunch, feed the ducks.” Dahlia chuckled.

“Ok, fine. Just let me go put on some shoes and grab my stuff.”

They left a few minutes after. Dahlia drove, meandering through traffic as she always did, and happily sang to whatever song came on the radio. Amy just sat in her seat and stared straight ahead at the road. She used to sing with Dahlia, but the last several months had drained her of any desire to do that. Dahlia pulled up to the park and found a parking spot not far from the pond.

“I just realized that we didn’t bring anything to actually feed the ducks with.” Dahlia said, turning to Amy as she turned the keys in the ignition.

Amy chuckled a bit and shook her head, “Oh well, we can still watch them.”

Dahlia smiled as Amy hoped and they both climbed out of the car. The grass bent easily under Amy’s sneaker as they crossed the lawn to the pond. The big, maple trees extended their limbs out like curtains, casting out shadows that the sun gently reached through. There were small children running all around the jungle gym; their soft laughter made Amy feel peaceful. This was a kind of modest solitude that didn’t swallow her. The two of them found a wooden bench and sat down together, facing the pond.

Amy watched the female ducks swim around with their little schools of ducklings. The group of mallards watched over the rest of the pond from one side. She could smell daisies that were growing in a patch a few feet away.

“You know, I’m surprised that you agreed to come with me today.” Dahlia said, breaking the silence.

“Why?”

“You haven’t hardly left your house since he left. I know you say that it’s because you work at home, but we used to go out to eat all the time.” Dahlia was looking at her, but Amy couldn’t return eye contact. She knew her friend was right.

“I’m sorry. It’s just weird having someone there for so long and then not having them there at all.” Amy fiddled with her hands.

“I miss you. I’m not going to lie either, I really took the day off to try and talk to you. I miss how we used to be.”

Amy nodded. She missed how things used to be too, before him. She and Dahlia were almost inseparable; they spent every weekend together on some adventure. Now it seemed that they were only together when Dahlia would come over and wash her dishes.

“Why do you still even wear that ratty thing?” Dahlia abruptly asked.

Amy looked down and realized that she was talking about his flannel shirt. She left the house with it on and now she wanted to shrink down inside it. “It comforts me.”

“Amy, he was such an ass to you. He fucked you up so much that five months later, you’re still sleeping next to a pile of pillows.” Dahlia’s voice was getting more and more furious.

Amy squinted her eyes as she felt tears start to form. She felt so small, “This shit takes time Dahlia.” She put her face in her hands.

Neither one said anything for a while. The group of children had declined slowly until there was no more soft laughter, just silence that was barely broken by the sounds of birds chirping in the trees. Dahlia finally sighed and then reached over hugged Amy. Amy fell into her arms and rested her head on her shoulder, nestling her face into her neck. Amy could smell Dahlia’s gardenia perfume, one that she had always loved.

“I’m sorry that I upset you. It just makes me so mad. You’re such an amazing person and you didn’t deserve that. I was such an idiot for thinking that he was a good guy.” Dahlia shook her head.

“It’s not your fault. I don’t even know why you put up with me.” Amy sniffled as she continued to fight tears.

Dahlia lifted Amy’s head to face her, holding her by the sides of her face, “You are my best friend. You are the greatest person I know and the only person I want to put up with.”

Amy smiled and felt a tear escape down her cheek, Dahlia quickly wiped it away.

“It’s just that, I’ve felt so pathetic. I just want someone to not hurt me, to want me, to love me.” Amy replied.

“I love you.” Dahlia quietly said.

“And you’ve never hurt me.” Amy added, shaking her head.

Dahlia smiled and then placed a soft kiss on Amy’s lips as she returned her hands to her sides. This wasn’t the first time she had done that, but the last time she had wasn’t long before Amy starting dating him. And this time, it felt different, lovely even. Amy looked deep into her friend’s eyes and watched crystal blue color shrink as her pupils grew larger.

Amy felt the urge to kiss her back, she had felt the urge before. She had especially felt it over the last five months as Dahlia worked tirelessly to bring Amy out of her depression. That first week after he left, Dahlia literally had to bathe Amy as she was so incapacitated with sadness. If it weren’t for Dahlia, things could’ve gone in a completely different direction.

“You’ve never, ever hurt me. You’ve always been the one who’s there for me.” Amy said.

Dahlia took in a deep breath and Amy could see tears begin to form in her eyes, “You’re the only person I want to be around. And sometimes it sucks because he’s gone but he’s still around. You can’t seem to let him go and I want you to. I’ve been trying so hard for so long to make you happy.”

Amy pulled Dahlia to her and kissed her. Dahlia almost seemed grateful as she wrapped her arms around Amy and pulled her closer. They pulled apart only when they were out of breath, their foreheads still touching.

“You do make me happy Dahlia, you make me the happiest I’ve ever been.”

Dahlia hummed and then chuckled before she leaned up to look at Amy, “Let’s go, you know we’ve still got the whole day together.”

Amy grinned as they both got up from the bench. They started to walk off before Amy stopped. She turned back towards the bench and took off the flannel shirt. She placed it on the bench before going back to join Dahlia.

“I don’t need it anymore.” She explained and kissed Dahlia on the cheek.

#love #heartbreak #lesbians #homosexuality #friendship #relationship